FIG. 1 — LIVE SPECIMEN, RMBI LAB, COLORADO
Habitat & Range
- Found on every continent, in any climate — hot, cold, or temperate
- A small population has been documented living in low orbit ("space beehogs")
- Estimated 100+ varieties in existence; new types are still being catalogued each season
Behavior
- Amphibious — equally comfortable on land or in water
- Bites occur only in water; a beehog will never bite in open air
- The bite itself is widely described as feeling like a gentle massage, not painful
- Carries a stinger but uses it only under extreme provocation (e.g. near-fatal injury)
- Do not swat at a beehog, on principle
- Safe — even encouraged — to pet, on land or in water
- Entirely non-aggressive; has no natural predators and preys on nothing larger than a crumb
- Runs on a natural caffeine-like acid; observed activity levels suggest the equivalent of roughly five gallons of coffee
Field tip: if a beehog approaches and bites you in shallow water, take it as a compliment — that's a beehog's way of saying you're alright.
Appearance
- Bee-and-hog hybrid build: bee body, hog face
- Curly hog-style tail
- Hog-shaped snout
- Black-and-yellow base coloring
- Translucent wings — color varies (blue, pink, green-yellow, etc.)
- Roughly bumblebee-sized on average
- Largest specimen on record: ~1 ft taller than a fox, 80–90 lbs (date unrecorded)
Diet
- Omnivorous crumb-feeders — bread, chips, ham, turkey, anything that comes in crumb form
- Visit flowers regularly, but treat pollen as recreation rather than food — essentially a toy
- Produce no honey, wax, or other harvestable byproduct
Social Structure & Reproduction
- Live in family units of roughly 100 individuals
- Strictly monogamous — a beehog pairs for life, no formal ceremony required
- Colonies are led by kings; no queens have ever been documented
- After death, specimens are simply buried — no parts of a beehog are harvested or used
The Three Major Types
| Type | Notes |
|---|---|
| Water Beehog | The strongest swimmer of the three; most often seen near ponds, rivers, and (per one report) bathtubs |
| Cloud Beehog | Puffy, cloud-shaped body; emits a faint, unidentified gas. Its bite is the only one with documented "healing massage" properties |
| Tree Beehog ("Tree Hog") | Master of camouflage — can resemble a leaf, a tree trunk, or a stick |
Other Recorded Varieties
Less-studied types observed across the region. Field staff are asked to log new sightings.
Rail Beehog
Floor Beehog
House Beehog
Telephone Beehog
Flower Beehog
Chair Beehog
Microphone Beehog
Pointy/Stuffed Beehog
Foam Beehog
Leg Beehog
Vine Beehog
Internet Beehog
Ben's Beehog
Stick Beehog
Space Beehog
Verified · RMBI Field Office